I can only imagine.

It's that time of year where I get to remember things I should be doing this week-end.  I should be planning a special visit to celebrate a 32nd birthday this week-end.  I should have been shopping this week for a special gift.  I should have been baking a favorite cake to be delivered.  I should have been swept off my feet when I got out of the car by a strong handsome guy who hugs hard and tells me how much he loves me.  I should have been excited to know I'd get to sit and laugh and talk and drink lots of coffee.  I should be hearing about his new job practicing law or medicine or whatever career choice he had made to make the world a better place. I should be hearing about his new bride or kid or house or just anything.  JUST ANYTHING!

But I'm not. I'm not doing any of those things this week or this year or any other week or year, for that matter.

Instead, I'm just imagining.  Imagining what it would have been like. Imaging those talks and hugs and careers and wife and kids.  Just imagining how it might have been to have had that son longer than 6 short weeks. Longer than 41 hard days. Would he have dark hair? Would he be tall? Would he call me early mornings just to tell me hi? Would he just pop in to talk and drink that coffee? Who knows.  I'll never know.

Several years ago I had my wisdom teeth taken out.  My mom went with me and they put me to sleep. When I woke up, I couldn't stop crying.  Momma asked me why I was crying so hard and for a long time I couldn't tell her.  Finally after I got home and settled I was able to tell her.  While I was out, I guess I was dreaming.  I was dreaming that I was in a white rocking chair, wearing a white gown and rocking my son who was wrapped in a a white blanket. As I was waking up, someone was taking him from me and I was crying.

As sad as that sounds, I can't help but believe that someday when I get to heaven,  after spending a lot of time with the Father, something will tug at my white robe and I'll turn around and a small child will look up at me and say, "hey momma, it's me." What will that be like???? I can only imagine.

Don't get me wrong, I've had a great life these past 32 years. I have two amazing daughters and 5 fabulous grandkids.  But I still just imagine.

So on this day before his 32nd birthday, I just get to imagine what it would have been like to have had him here. I know that eternity is way longer than 6 weeks or 41 days.  I know that on this side of that eternity I have lots of questions.  But I do rest in the assurance that someday alllllll those questions will be answered and it will all make perfect sense.

Rest in peace, sweet boy.  And when I get there, tug hard.

William Alan Logan
10-12-87 to 11-20-87